CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
