No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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