My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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