I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
