i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
