Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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