guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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