Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
