did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
