I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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