I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
