I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
