They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need water and some morals
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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