I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
