I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
