we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
