there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Randomize
