I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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