so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
