Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
