I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
