I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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