I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
