WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
