I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
