Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
