I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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