life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
