the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
