Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
