Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
