dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
