ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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