I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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