I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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