My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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