if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
