Where did you get a picture of my penis
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
