My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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