maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
