Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
