Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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