Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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