OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
