she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
