I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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