We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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