the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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