At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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