It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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