Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
