Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
